The Cr@p joke thread continued...

[Marky_GTSt]

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison ?
















(Aus accent)
You cant wash your hands in a buffalo mate...

[TAZZMAXX]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I got a huge correction.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,his little face lit up when he tried to walk...


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[MIKEGTR]

I actually found each of those amusing lol

[TAZZMAXX]

The Christmas one was my favourite.

[tonigmr2]

I'm more wondering what's happening with the under ripe banana.

[TAZZMAXX]

Originally Posted by tonigmr2

I'm more wondering what's happening with the under ripe banana.

That's drink for you, I was sat last night thinking about what to change my status to and it was the first thing that came into my head. I've done a lot of music related ones but fancied a change. I'll change it now.

It would have to be under ripe anyway as a ripe banana would just get squashed.

[tonigmr2]

Euw it was everything I feared then!

[TAZZMAXX]

Originally Posted by tonigmr2

Euw it was everything I feared then!

I think you've misread it, the theory was that I was wounded in combat by someone wielding a banana. You obviously assumed it was some kind of deviant practice......

I think I'll just stop digging and remember to only change my status when sober!

[danny-scott2308]

stephen hawkins was taken ill over the christmas holidays ,when the paramedics arrived they were unsure whether to take him to a+e or p.c world..........

[Nigel-Power]

Originally Posted by danny-scott2308

stephen hawkins was taken ill over the christmas holidays ,when the paramedics arrived they were unsure whether to take him to a+e or p.c world..........

That guy is a scary physicist, he talks about some weird stuff very fictional.

His dream is to go back in time by creating air vaccume/ worm holes.. lol and land back on Planet Earth to see dinosaurs 65 million years ago.

Don't know if he can work it out.

[matt j]

If he did that Nigel, he'd be the first ever meals on wheels!

[Nigel-Power]

^ pmsl

[Hugh Keir]

So, how was your evening last night? ... A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?



Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...



2 MEN - meet at the pub...



So, how was your evening last night? Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?



A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!

The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pi55ed off that it took me an hour to get aroused, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

[TAZZMAXX]

An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....



'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)


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'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Nigel-Power]

Originally Posted by Hugh Keir

So, how was your evening last night? ... A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?



Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...



2 MEN - meet at the pub...



So, how was your evening last night? Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?



A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!

The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pi55ed off that it took me an hour to get aroused, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

lol . . great !