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1,126 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at theman, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!

:D :D :D

2,041 Posts
Great joke Paul !

See how you like this one:

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."


1,126 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·

A Mother Was Watching Her Son Through The Window As He Came Home From School One Day.

The Boy Was In A Bad Mood And As He Walked Across The Yard He Kicked The Pig.

He Walked A Little Further And Kicked The Cow.

When He Got Inside His Mother Asked Him What Was Wrong.
The Child Responded That He Had Just Had A Bad Day.

His Mother Told Him That His Punishment For Kicking The Pig Was No Bacon For A Week.
For Kicking The Cow There Was No Milk For A Week.

At That Moment His Father Came Home From Work And Kicked The Cat.

The Little Boy Looked At His Mother And Said...

"Do You Want To Tell Him Or Do You Want Me To?"

Premium Member
5,650 Posts
......old ones are the best !!......

An englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman are walkin along in central park, NYC. Out of a bush a big black guy jumps out with a gun and tells em all to give him their money.

Quick as a flash the scotsman knocks the black dude over and tells the others to leg it.........They run off, with the black guy swearing bloody murder at them. After a few minutes they are runnin down an alley when the englishman tells them to run through an open door...............and they find themselves in a big warehouse.

Quick says the scotsman.......each of us should get in one of these packing sacks, and hide when the guy comes in here. He'll never notice em with all these other sacks layin around.

Sure enough thirty seconds later the guy with the gun staggers in, puffing and panting. He is just about to turn round and give up when he sees these three sacks layin on the ground...........So he goes up to the first one and gives it a kick.

The englishman inside goes.."woof woof"...oh thinks the black guy, some puppies...i'll leave them alone.........He goes over and kicks the second sack......."meeeooww" says the scotsman...oh thinks the black guy, some kittens not cruel, i'll leave them alone too........

He goes over to the third sack and gives it a kick.............

"Potatos"...says the irishman..............:D

135 Posts
Irish extreme sport

Apologies to any Irish readers......

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the
bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over
and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds
in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk
does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get
into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop
at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand
place, eh?" says Gerry.

He takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the
edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and
says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

============ PART TWO ===================

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out
of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out
the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until
there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat freefall
parrotshooting nider."

========== PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too
has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you
fockin hengliding"

2,422 Posts
Good one Dan :D

Ok, heres my effort:

Two Irish guys are on a plane flying to America. The pilot comes on and says all the usual crap, 10 hour flight etc then they take off. AN hour into the flight the pilot comes on and says that there has been a minor problem, one of the egnines fuel lines has come off, but they'll be fine, its a 757 afterall, and there are 3 more engines, the only poblem is they will be an hour later than expected. Paddy look to Tommy and says "Do you think we'll be allright Tommy?", "Aye, Paddy, you head skipper, were ok"

Another 2 hours into the flight and theres a BIG bang, the plane shakes, everyone screams and the pilot comes on "Dont worry people, weve had a bird fly into an engine, but its on the opposite side of the plane to the other engine we lost, so dont panic, were totally safe, but we'll be 4 hous later than expected"

Another hour in and the pilot comes on, he says that all alcohol is free and then 10 minutes later comes back on to announce that they had lost another engine 10 mins ago, and to prove that they were safe her flew for 10 mins before telling them (and allowed them to get a little tipsy). He then apploogised and said they would be VERY late, maybe 10 hours, and there airspeed was only just high enough to keep them airborne.

Paddy looks to Tommy again and asks what Tommy thinks "Well paddy, my only worry is that that other fooker might go"

So Paddy looks round and says "Aye Tommy, if that fooker paks up we'll be up here all fookin night"



Premium Member
5,650 Posts
....i've got more....and they're worse!! hehehe.....

Blind bloke walks into a pub with his guide dog.....says "I'd like a pint and could i have a bowl of water for my dog please barman."
Certainly" says the landlady ......."that will be two pounds please"

After a few minutes the blind guy says......"Hey, do you wanna hear a really funny joke........a blonde joke.....its great!!".........."Sir , I think I should warn you that I am a blonde...the girl by the juke box is a blonde.........The laydy at the bar next to you is an international karate champion, and she's blonde as is her olympic shot-putting pal who is here with her blonde girlfriend.......I suggest that you shut up!!!!"

The guy sits there for a few moments.............turns down to his dog.......and says "I think she's probably right Rex.....i'm ****ed if im gonna explain it five times over!!!"

hehehehehe....................:D :D :D :D
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