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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me !"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
 

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St. Paddy's day No.2

Young Shamus O'Murphy goes for a job, and as the interview is finishing, the chap says to him "Now I need to know that you are quick thinking, and can use your imagination"

"Ok" says our Shamus.

"Right, I want you to put down on paper the number Nine, but not use the figure 9 or write nine."

"Ok" comes the reply.

Then Shamus hands over the piece of paper, which the chap looks at and is a wee bit confused..... "What is this then" he asks.

"Well Sir, that's three trees"

"I'm Sorry ?"

"Well tree and tree and tree equals nine !"

"Brilliant, I'd have never thought of that" says the chap, "but how would you write ninety nine ?"

Shamus takes back the paper, and smudges each tree, then give it back.

"And ?"

"Well, dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree makes 99 !"

"Spot on, but can you do 100 ?"

Back goes the piece of paper, to which a small dog is added, next to each tree, having a poo ........

"Ok now I'm very confused." Says our man
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"Well now you've got dirty tree and a turd plus dirty tree and a turd and another dirty tree and a turd !"
 

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An Irish farmer is trying to grow a new type of GM crop. A field of dildos. He's having terrible trouble with squatters.
 

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An engineer dies and he's in purgatory with God on one side and Satan on the other.
God is hemming and hawing and then says to Satan, "You know what? He liked to curse and I am kinda full up here. Can you take him?"
Satan takes him down to hell and the first thing the engineer says is, "Why is this goddamn place so f***ing hot?!?!"
"Duh??? It's hell!" Satan responds. "The air conditioner hasn't worked since I moved in here thousands and thousands of years ago."
The engineer says, "I could take a look at that AC for ya."
After a little work, the engineer gets the AC working, the temperature drops, grass begins to grow and waterfalls start to flow.
God stops by for a visit and says to Satan, "Looks like you fixed the place up since I was last here."
Satan replies, " Yeah, getting that engineer is best thing that ever happened to this place. He fixed the air conditioning, the plumbing and now he's working on a new palace for me."
"Well, I found a bit of room in heaven...so I'll just take him back now."
"I don't think so."
"You know...he was supposed to be heaven according to the rules."
"Maybe so...but he's here now and possession is 9/10 of the law."
"Well Satan, I guess I'll see you in court about this then."
Satan just busts up laughing. "And where are you going to find a good lawyer!?!?!"
 
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